Where Else Would You Rather Be, Than Right Here, Right Now.

It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child surgeon, in which case yes, it’s too late.

Follow yours. Make it happen. Mine was to be on movie sets in LA, surrounded by great, funny crews, and getting in front of cameras and playing. It’s the best dopamine rush of all. Highly recommend.

Coming. March 1st.

Flowing.

Any fountain can be a fountain of youth if you fill it with champagne.

I keep a bottle in my fridge that I don’t open until I accomplish something so spectacular that I celebrate by dumping it over my head.

The latest instance was Saturday night, after the I nailed the best performance of my acting career. (Yes, I know Mumm is swill, but it was gifted to me after being left over at a party, and I don’t question the universe.)

Can’t get into specifics about Saturday quite yet, but the champagne tasted sweet and stung the shit out of my eyes. That was a good night.

Dressing Room With A View.

Shooting on location. My happiest place.

Oh Happy Day.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

If you see me crying today, it’s because I have to, for a scene. I’ll be needing a teamster-sized hug.

Let’s Keep This Quiet.

I had bad laryngitis last week, and my dog was never happier.

I, on the other hand, was worried. I nailed an audition for “Fuller House” last week, except for the fact that I sounded like Alec Baldwin on a T-Mobile phone.

I’m better today, but I start shooting a role with a lot of dialogue. I’ll just tell the director my raspiness is a choice. I’m an artist.

Game On.

My nephew left a package of cookies at my place, then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them. So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Now that he’s graduated elementary school, he finally earned his own cell phone, which set forth an endless barrage of pictures of my dog’s butt straight into his inbox.

We’ve also sharpened our fine arts skills. I immortalized him by turning him into his least favorite character in the world: Harry Potter.

Highly recommend the cyber-bullying. Bringing families together.

Caffeinating For My Art.

I don’t drink coffee (I’ve tasted it twice in my life) or tea. I’m naturally caffeinated. But I’m shooting a role this month, and have to memorize what is essentially a metric ton of dialogue. As I was checking out of Walgreen’s yesterday, my eye caught an impulse-buy bottle of extra strength 5-hour Energy. Desperate times.

The result: it’s like a drinking a panic attack.

But it totally worked. My heart was racing and I was nauseous all day, but man did I memorize a lot. And I reached my Fitbit target without even getting off the couch. Win/win/win/win.

Yes, It’s A Real Film. And Yes, It’s Really Good.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a frozen yogurt place that’s been open for more than two years.

Unless they hire the right man: Calvin Barr, who’s been serving his country with John Wick-like skills since WWII. But as much as he America’s greatest secret weapon, now, in his senior years, he’s contemplating suicide.

That’s all I’ll give away. (Though, really, doesn’t the title give everything away?) I’d heard about this movie, but didn’t give it much thought until I chose to watch it on my flight to Utah last week. At 98 minutes, it fit perfectly into my trip, LAX to SLC, runway to runway. And you too can view it on-demand. It’s really good. Don’t miss out.

Summer Vacation Is Cancelled.

Yes, the trip was I was supposed to take today, the one that I’d been very much looking forward to, is not happening. On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, how pissed am I?

Zero! You see, I have a very good reason. The best kind of reason. But I can’t get into it quite yet. Just know it’s the complete antithesis of a catastrophe. When I told the customer service rep for Delta that I had to cancel my flights, she told me unless the reason was hardship, I was going to have to forfeit all the cash I’d paid. But then out of curiosity she asked me why I was canceling, put me on hold, came back and gave me a full credit. Mr. Lucky is back.

I apologize. Enough teasing. I’ll eventually blog all about it. Who needs vacation?

Boxy, But Great.

The other day, I saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what's going on there. 

Nothing to wonder about when I passed Denny Hamlin’s FedEx-sponsored NASCAR being towed down the 405. I love when anything is crafted, and wrapping his trailer as if it were a giant, open FedEx package, complete with a code and a shipping address of “Victory Lane,” was right on. More of this, please.

Taking A Walk.

Once, when I thought I’d broken my toe, my dad, a podiatrist, told me to walk it off. “We’ll save the x-rays for the paying customers,” he said. On the other hand, when the Yankees lost the World Series, he sobbed for a day.

Yeah they’re special, those foot doctors. And one here in LA is legendary. That’s because his rotating two-sided sign at Sunset Foot Clinic in Silver Lake is both nutty and believed to have ominous implications. Drive past the happy foot, and you’ll have a good day. Sad foot, and people will actually pull a U-turn and try again.

 It was immortalized with a hilarious bit by the Sklar brothers:

But now, this LA landmark is going away, as the Foot Clinic is moving. People are genuinely bummed. Now how are we going to get lucky?

It was a nice run. Godspeed.

Curses.

You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.

That’s how I’ll do it. Because yep, like clockwork, every four years I get a jury summons. Not a bad batting average, considering Los Angelenos are eligible to each serve it every year.

It’s an honor, my civic duty, yeah yeah. I don’t want it. I’ll be on call the week after my vacation, so I have that to rue the whole time I’m gone. I’m keeping my fingers crossed I don’t have to actually serve, and whoever is on trial had better really hope I don’t have to either, or else he’s getting the chair.

Utah Highlights.

Ever imagine how close together the presidents’ bodies are, under their Mount Rushmore heads? 

I wasn’t able to find out, because it turns out this was just a replica, at Seven Peaks Fun Center off of I-15.

Well at least my lunch was real and spectacular Slab Pizza offers dozens of exotic options served in a slab, which is a quarter of a pizza. Chorizo potato egg pizza has all four of my favorite things in its name.

I’ve been to Utah upwards of 20 times, but always when it was buried under snow. This was a nice change, and while short, my kind of trip.

Pre-Flight Insight.

This woman at LAX struck me as the type who takes a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from her bed before she gets down to business. But the big one stays; he likes to watch.

Day Tripper.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle eight wives while drinking zero beers.

And I’ll tell it to your faces today. I can’t get into the whys, wherefores and whatnots, but I have a meeting today in Utah. Leaving at 7 a.m., back at 9 p.m. My kind of day.

It honestly is. I love a good adventure. More ambiguous info about it tomorrow. Stay tuned.

30 Seconds Of June.

My nephew said his school requires 1,000 pages of summer reading, so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed him a menu.

Best Summer Ever started in June. Here’s the month, one second per day:

My July 4th Weekend, By Matthew Shevin.

They say marijuana isn’t a performance-enhancing drug, but I would totally smoke a lot of pot before a hot dog eating contest and wind up setting a record.

My nephew and I kicked off the holiday in the most patriotic way: with the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. I served up dogs so that we could honor these finely-tuned athletes in the most appropriate way.

I’d actually trained a bit for it two weeks ago, during a Long Beach outdoor lunch featuring a hot dog toaster. That was class.

Hope everyone else had a good 4th. If you saw fireworks, awesome. If you played with fireworks, I hope you didn’t pull a Jason Pierre-Paul. And if you had to work, thank you for keeping the world spinning while the rest of us enjoyed the weekend off.

A Big, Fat Butt Of A Happy July 4th.

Happy Birthday Ashley. And America.

4th of July pro tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

And if you want a quality long-holiday weekend, live next door to my neighbors, who texted me last night: “We have way too much birthday cake here. Can we send some over?”

Hell yes you can. So my holiday started off with chocolate mousse perfection, and it’s all getting better from here.

Have a safe, fun and fattening 4th, everyone.

Hucksters Hit The Improv.

A waitress in a comedy club once handed me a note reading “Blink if you’re being held against your will.”

When it’s bad, it’s bad. But when it’s good, it’s the best. Jay Mohr left me two tickets to see him play The Improv on Melrose on Saturday night, so friend/co-star of my sitcom joined me to watch Jay kill onstage.

Jay is touring all over the country, so go see him live. I promise in no way will you ever need to be rescued.

Culinary Corner.

Yesterday, my nephew and I made oreo churros. Today, I’m going to the dentist and eating them all while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist.

Yes, what they’ll do to my teeth is on a par with what they did to my brother’s kitchen. Every ingredient is either greasy, powdery, or both. But so yummy and worth it. And it’s always satisfying to use a decorating bag:

They say “pick your battles,” and today, oreo churros win.