Wherever People Meet To Worship God?

Please join me this Sunday in the champagne room of a strip club.

This Week In Texting And Driving.

At least the driver was able to fire off a “nothin much, u?” before impact.

Rob Lowe With The Assist.

It’s starting to seem like the most courageous thing a TV show can do now is keep all its characters alive.

Rob Lowe wasn’t killed off of “Parks and Recreation” this year, but he was written off, and it really sucked. To wean myself off his character, I just read Rob’s autobiography, and I loved it. He wrote the book himself, and didn’t hold back about his addictions, sexual conquests and the wise/unwise career choices he’s made.

Rob’s first break came at the age of 15, when he was cast in a sitcom called “A New Kind of Family.” Pitted against “60 Minutes,” the show got its brains beat in, lasting only six episodes. But it was long enough to give Rob his first taste of fame. Teenage girls screamed in the live audience every time he entered a scene, and it really pissed off the show’s respected lead, Eileen Brennan, leading to this excerpt:

A production assistant stops by with my very first fan letter. 

“Here ya go, Rob. Got a bunch more up at the offices.” 

I don’t know what to say. It’s all new. Someone has written a fan letter to me. 

“Oh, and one more thing… from now on, no one under the age of eighteen will be allowed in the studio audience,” he says mildly as he heads out. 

I don’t know whether to be upset, or even who to be upset with. I do know that this new edict marks the end of my ear-splitting receptions. I turn my attention to my fan letter. I open it carefully, excited to read it. 

Dear Mr. Rob Lowe:
I enjoyed you very much on the TV show The New Kind of Family. You are a great actor. Can you please send me an autographed photo of yourself? If possible in a bathing suit or your underwear. 

Sincerely, 

Michael LeBron 

#4142214 Pelican Bay Prison

Jim Henson Studios: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery.

I’ve always followed my dream. Unfortunately it was the one in which I wore a weird hat and kept washing my hands. Charlie Chaplin had a dream: to move to California, build a studio and a career. I had a shoot last week at his studio, which these days has become Jim Henson Studios. As a nice tribute, a twelve-foot Kermit dressed at Charlie Chaplin greets everyone at the front gate.

Almost 100 years old and fading away are Charlie’s tramp-style footprints.

Viewing Where the Wild Things Are required Prozac as big as this XXXL head.

Good foresight by Charlie to allow for ample afro room – the big studio was where “Soul Train” was taped in the 70s.

In between Charlie and Henson, A&M records owned this place, and “We Are the World” was recorded here.

My favorite craft services name ever.

Ex-Pats.

Had a really nice get-together at my brother’s house with people who graduated from our high school in New York and now live in LA. Lindya, in the center, finally signed my brother’s yearbook. (She had mono her senior year, and claims she actually got it from kissing a boy.) I told her to write something that could be used in court to prove she predicted/invented the iPhone… Speaking of our high school, a new-found source of pride: Adam Silver, the NBA commissioner who recently shitcanned Donald Sterling, also graduated from there… After May 14th, the Red Sox lost 10 games in a row, making my birthday wish come true... And as long as I’ve lost half my readers with the baseball talk, my college alma mater, Maryland is crushing it lately. Check out their game the other day, in which the bat boy was actually a bat dog:

Tomato, Tomahto.

My brother, his wife and kids are staying in this house in Malibu. The rent on this place is $50,000 a month.

Meanwhile, I had one of those “I’m going to put the sock marked L on my right foot” kind of weekends.

Have A Good Memorial Day.

And, if you’re my neighbor, a continued good Halloween.

Someone Oughta Tell That Bird.

I’m In A Comedy Short.

Claire & Greg - watch more funny videos

On the front page of Funny or Die is a comedy short I was in called “Permission.” You can click above and take a look. Or, if you like, visit Funny or Die and vote it “funny.” (Or “die” – up to you.)

The Second Great Movie Of 2014.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself, “Do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

Stick to theaters. Playing in one near you is Blue Ruin, a riveting revenge thriller that doesn’t have any major names in it. (Other than a quick, peculiar appearance by Eve Plumb, who played Jan on “The Brady Bunch.” I have yet to google why.)

Actually, it’s the anonymity of the actors that heightens the suspense that much more. And makes you understand why having access to a gun never ends well.

I don’t use a weapon myself, because I’ve come to find a cool way to get back at people: always use finger quotes when saying their names.

See this film.

Multitask At Your Own Risk.

Driving is like third on my list of things to do while I’m driving.

But if you must text and drive, at least have fair to middling skills. Recently my brother, my friend Jeff and I passed this gem of a maneuver in a Target parking lot:

Four days later, I came across a town car that couldn’t quite navigate a Starbucks/corner:

This isn’t the first time I’ve posted a Starbucks vehicular assault. You might remember this direct hit:

There also was the whiplash-convenience of a medical building:

A Mexican restaurant. Ay caramba:

Light-pole Lenny:

And the chick who couldn’t quite decide left or right:

It’s Called Fashen.

I was never a robe guy, but I had one on yesterday as wardrobe, and I dug it. Now I wanna wear one full-time like Hef – always ready for bed… Don’t ask how, but I managed to one-up George W. by getting a piece of pretzel stuck in my eye. I hope no videos surface of it… Someone pass along this commercial to my neighbors… I had lunch with friend my Wade, in town from Richmond. He told me about a friend of his who was having a major problem with his neighbor stealing his newspaper. One Saturday, his friend got in super late, and the paper had just been delivered. He opened it up, took a shit in it and left it for his neighbor to swipe. After that day, the paper was never taken again. Hero.

Like Night And Shithole.

After the Browns drafted quarterback/serial partier Johnny Manziel last week, their concerned owner publicly reminded Johnny that Cleveland “isn’t Hollywood.”

Thank Christ it ain’t, douche.

Spot The Fake.

One iPhone: $649.99 The other: $10.

One: loaded with everything that matters in my life. The other: such a diabolical knockoff it’s been banned from eBay.

One I’m going to huck into the Pacific Ocean next week in a new comedy short I’ve written. I now pray it’s the knockoff.

Thank God. Tuesdays This Fall.

You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.

My favorite show last year, “Happy Endings,” was canceled, and I was just pissed that idiots would rather watch reality shows and competition shows than a brilliant, hilariously-scripted show.

But I regained hope after my friend Chris sent me a clip from a pilot that NBC just picked up for the fall called “Marry Me.” I liked it a lot, and then looked up who created the show, and was thrilled to find out it was David Caspe, creator/showrunner of “Happy Endings.” He’s back.

Click above for the clip, just after you read comedian Dana Gould’s take on reality shows:

“You are watching people that are not actors, in phony situations, created by people who are not writers. And the non-actors are second-guessing how they think you would like to see them behave were the situation genuine – which it isn’t – and you are passably observing this. You’re technically not even alive at this point. You are watching an amateur production of NOTHING.”

It’s My Birthday.

By the time they were my age, my parents had three kids and a house, whereas I have joy.

Yes, today is my birthday. In lieu of gifts, please just write some stupid crap on my Facebook wall like everyone else.

Actually, I love all the posts. Keep ‘em coming. You’re all extra sweet. And as is tradition, what I want is for everyone to download twenty underrated movies from a list I created. That way great work is supported, more great work is made, it all trickles-down to actors, etc. Please and thank you.

1. 20 Feet From Stardom 
2. 50/50 
3. Beginners 
4. Bernie 
5. Blue Ruin 
6. Celeste and Jesse Forever 
7. Fruitvale Station 
8. Game Change 
9. In a World 
10. The Kids Are All Right 
11. Looper 
12. Maria Full of Grace 
13. Mud 
14. Philomena 
15. A Place at the Table 
16. Searching For Sugar Man 
17. Short Term 12 
18. The Spectacular Now 
19. The Way Way Back 
20. The Words

Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• Everyone knows you can just buy a Klondike bar, right?

• No guy named Larry was ever a baby. They actually walk out of their mothers womb with receding hairlines in sandals with socks.

• Thank god my dad never owned an NBA team.

• Do not email me when my bill is ready – email me when someone has paid it, thank you.

• Are snitches still eligible for stitches under Obamacare?

• I bet Anne Hathaway’s parents still play the “quiet game” with her.

Sheila Shevin Comes Out To The Coast For A Mother’s Day Extravaganza.

When you inherit $2,000,000 dollars in the 18th century, you can buy yourself anything you want. Like 4,000,000 whores. Or, if you’re Merritt Adamson, you buy the entire city of Malibu. We visited his house; it’s now a museum.

Even with all of Adamson’s cash, one thing he couldn’t possess was this kickass chicken pot pie, because Marmalade Café didn’t open until 1994. But I owned it, Merritt. I owned it good.

When I was a kid, if I didn’t stop kicking an adult with my filthy feet, I would have had the shit beat out of me. Simpler times. But I was able to warn my nephew that if he didn’t stop, I’d post a really embarrassing pic of him. This is the second most embarrassing one I took, Spanky. Your move.

I’d love to tell you about my Jewish mom tearing these guys a new one for putting a Hitler mustache on Obama. But she just blew past them while searching for a public restroom.

I’m Out.

Puppies sleep about 20 hours a day. And eat and poop the other four. I’m glad “Community,” one of my favorite shows ever, was canceled yesterday to make way for this type of TV:

$3000! NOW CASTING A NEW PUPPY PILOT! A major cable network is now searching for dynamic couples with (or getting) a new puppy that aren’t afraid to show their true personalities-the shorter the fuse and hotter the temper, the better. The more outspoken and outrageous you are, the better! Your personality means everything on this show! This series will follow the reality and drama of owning a new puppy. We want to see the issues, the arguments and the real effects of taking on a puppy with a spouse or significant other for up to a 5-day period.

I Call This: “First-Date Body Language.”

Santa Monica Pier. Thursday.

The Half-Baked, Untitled, Matt Shevin Project.

Sometimes I think I’m doing pretty well for my age. And then I remember I’m not 12.

That’s why I’m in pre-production for my next project: a comedy sketch video that I co-wrote with my friend Chad, and in which I’ll produce, direct, star and edit.

It’s the first of many I’ve written and plan on shooting when I have time in the next few months.

I start filming this one late next week. The first step of any project is to grossly underestimate its complexity and difficulty. So I’m right on schedule.

My Union Shitcans My Annual Dues.

I am all about efficiency. I will carry 17 grocery bags or die trying before making two trips.

SAG-AFTRA, on the other hand, is not nearly as practical. They just spent what must have been a fortune developing a new identity. The result: the above logo. It was released 33 days ago. It already looks dated.

The SAG-AFTRA National Board voted nearly 2-1 to approve the new brand, which means more than a third thought it sucked ass. Every article I read about it points out the logo was designed by “global strategic branding firm” Siegel+Gale, as if that’s supposed to mean something. Isn’t everything pertaining to the earth global? My dog shits globally.

Supposedly, hidden inside the logo is a stylized “S” and “A,” meant to evoke the heritage of SAG and AFTRA. Hmmm. And what’s with the coattails? Does anyone wear them anymore, even in wardrobe? Or is it some horrible heavy-handed metaphor for riding someone’s coattails to make it in showbiz?

It reminded me of the YMCA logo, so I looked up who designed that, and lo and behold, it was global strategic branding firm Siegel+Gale. Way to take two years to slightly tweak an old ID and make it ours. You really beat the Matrix on this one.

Hilary Clinton. Hilary Clinton wears coattails.

Many actors were excited to see what SAG-AFTRA would do with our brand after the merger, and what we got was the lapdance of logos. It’s like paying to watch the trailer of a movie that never comes out. And soon we’ll have access all sorts of newly-branded merchandise. Find them either online, or, in a month, in whatever nation receives the Super Bowl loser’s t-shirts. Go union!

The Captain Was Here.

Thanks to some kickass seats procured by my friend Gary last night, I got to snap a pic of Derek Jeter hitting one of the last doubles of his career. Derek, the classiest guy in the major leagues, has decided to retire after this season – though I prefer to think of it as a “conscious uncoupling.”

Child Endangerment.

I picked up 40 McNuggets on the way to my niece’s birthday party. I’ll surrender myself to the authorities first thing this morning.

I bought a new rug for my living room, and it completely got Ricky stoned.

Is this the Asian “good luck” swastika or the “kill a bunch of Jews” one?

Haul Away My Neighbor’s Shit For Free!

Use the savings on a tetanus shot!

Kickass Job On The New Hundy, America, But…

Why is there a watermarked image of my UPS guy on it?

I Shoot My Role In The Film Road Hard.

I have so much for respect for Adam Carolla’s talent, work ethic and pragmatism that I never miss an episode of his daily podcast. Here I confer with him and co-director Kevin Hench to see if I really have a role in their film, or it’s all just been an elaborate ruse.

Adam on stage during my scene. He and Kevin also co-wrote the script, and it’s a really great romantic comedy – which only solidified my personal goal: create something so good that everyone hates it a week later.

My close-up, in front of over 100 cast, crew and extras. If I enjoyed this moment any more, I’d have to tell it I loved it, then screen its calls for a month until it left me alone.