I May Legally Change My Name From Matthew to Mattress.

My new bed has a zero-gravity function. It has USB ports on both sides so I can charge my phone. It has a massage feature that will melt your brain. I can raise my head, feet, and lower lumbar. I can choose the color of the lighting underneath. I wake up and my hair looks amazing, like every couple in a mattress commercial. But the real reason I bought it is because the guy twirling the sign outside the Mattress Firm was just that good.