Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Straight Out Of The Closet.

Some people wonder how the Titanic could go full steam into an area known for icebergs. But if they’d grown up in my house, the answer would be obvious.

In my blog entry on Monday, I mentioned being broken hearted over George Clooney’s engagement, which prompted this email:

Matthew– 
What you wrote in your blog about George Clooney may make people think you’re gay. 
–Mom 

This isn’t the first time this has happened. I may have even expected it. If your mother doesn’t get your humor, you’re definitely doing it right. By the way, I wonder if Joel McHale’s mom chimed in when he posted the above pic Monday night.

Mom, I understand you only messaged me because you love me and worry about me, but it’s not necessary. Even if I were gay, I wouldn’t have to cover it up; it’s more difficult to convince people you actually are gay. You know, like everyone believes Magic Johnson contracted HIV from a woman.

And so what if I were? It might be a boon for an actor. Neil Patrick Harris and Zachary Quinto are crushing it right now. I even have an idea for a screenplay about an actor who tries to ignite his career by floating a rumor that he’s gay. (Consider me just typing that sentence a copyright on the premise.)

But Mom, just in case the two sports references I made along with the George Clooney line on Monday didn’t make it entirely clear that I’m staight, here you go:

Attention all casting directors, directors and producers: I, Matt Shevin, am a straight, heterosexual actor. I’m so straight I place my hands on my hips when I piss. I’m so straight I’ve been searching for a plastic nut sack for my SUV’s trailer hitch. If I ever hug a dude, it’s only to use his shirt as a napkin. I won’t even play the post in a basketball game, because I refuse to be down low in any way. And I miss my mullet.

There you go. Happy early Mother’s Day.